Simon and Terrance – episode 1 – A Fag Before Christmas

Simon’s skull was piss yellow from all the cigarettes he smoked. The ten teeth that he had left had become yellowy brown for the same reason. He stood up, his bony skeleton cracking as he did so.

“I’m getting too old for this” he said in a disgruntled tone.

Terrance immediately sat on Simon’s seat, trying to reach for the pack of cigarettes. But his ghostly hands just went straight through them.

“Ha Ha!” Simon laughed. Terrance stood up and looked out of the window…

To his utmost horror saw a plethora of colorful light shows hanging in the center of the street.

“can you open the window Simon?” he asked weakly. The ice cold weather no obstacle to the two due to their lack of nerve endings. Then the most cataclysmic and disastrous thing either of them could ever imagine occurred to them .

The sound of singing over cheap megaphones, the colorful lights and the ice cold weather.

“Oh bloody hell! Simon proclaimed

“What is it you cantankerous old fool?” Terrance responded.

“It’s only bloody Christmas” Simon said. He reached his bony fingers towards his cigarettes in a desperate search for release from their gloomy epiphany. “Well close the bloody window, I can’t stand that horrific music” interrupted Terrance.

“Get the hell out of my chair and I’ll close the window” said Simon. Terrance had a terrified look on his face as he floated to the other chair by the television. “Hey you bony freak, put the TV on” demanded Terrance. “That TV hasn’t worked since 1953 you insolent nincompoop” said Simon, reaching for his lighter. Simon extended his bony hand out for a cigarette, pulled it from the packet and lit it. They both pondered in a brief moment of calm.

“Bloody idiot” said Terrance

“What?” said Simon

“I dunno, I just felt like saying it and it is true” replied Terrance

Simon reached out his bony hand and arm and stubbed out his cigarette in the ashtray. He then searched his pack so he could smoke another one. He gasped then started to rattle and shake. There were no cigarettes left.

“Oh dear god we’ve run out of fags” said Simon stumbling his words. “So what!” replied Terrance

“No this is serious. This means were gonna have to go outside” said Simon.

Normally when Simon ran out of cigarettes they would end up hiding from mortals and stealing them from the local corner shop.

“I don’t want to go outside, you can go on your bloody own” Said Terrance in a stern manner. “But I need you to haunt the shop assistant so I can hide in full view in a witches hat and reach for the fags” replied Simon. “that only works on Halloween, you incompetent idiot” said Terrance. “I’m sure we have a Christmas hat and some tinsel somewhere” replied Simon. “It’s no bloody use, your just gonna have to quit” said Terrance with a smug look on his face.

Five long minutes went by and Simon was shaking and rattling. “Stop bloody rattling you insane idiot” shouted Terrance

“It’s no bloody use, I really want a fag” replied Simon. Another five minutes went by. And another five minutes went by.

Terrance was now even more agitated than Simon of his rattling skull, his shaking skeleton and his perpetual pacing up and down the living room. “okay then, bloody hell, I’ll come outside with you” shouted Terrance. Simon’s bony face morphed into something vaguely resembling a smile. “Yippee!” shouted Simon. His voice had become childlike from the excitement. “Were gonna get some fags!” he sang in a tuneless voice. “If it will shut you up” responded Terrance.

Terrance; despite perceptions was somewhat excited to venture outside. After all, Simon hadn’t ran out of cigarettes for just over three years. Terrance went into poltergeist mode and whispered “Simooooon, Simooooon” and the room began to shake all around him. “That was my favorite cup you damn fool” said Simon as his besotted cup fell to the ground from a shelf shattering into hundreds of tiny pieces. “But at least I know your ready to do this” continued Simon. Simon wandered off into the store room, he started pulling out drawers opening cupboards and generally turning the whole room upside down. Terrance came floating through the wall from the living room. “What are you doing” said Terrance. “Looking for my Christmas hat and the tinsel” replied Simon emptying another drawer onto the floor carelessly spreading its contents all over the floor.

“It’s on top of the TV” said Terrance. “It’s been there for the last five years you numb skull” continued Terrance. They both returned to the living room and looked at the TV with a Christmas hat on it with tinsel over the top. “So it is” said Simon. He reached his bony hand to the top of the TV and picked up the hat and tinsel while sleigh bells resonated in his head. He pulled the hat over his skull and and wrapped the tinsel over his shoulders. “right, we’re off to get some fags” said Simon his excited child like tone returning to his voice. “Oh okay then, if we must” replied Terrance. They both ventured to the front door of their flat and Simon opened it, its hinges creaking the door letting in a blast of ice cold air. They could see the hallway in the building was was decorated with Christmas lights and the sounds of faded Christmas music was coming from outside the door, “Ghastly” said Terrance as Simon slammed the flat door shut behind them. They both stood stunned in the hallway staring into the lights. “I can’t do this, I… I… I’m just gonna have to quit” stammered Simon. “Quit! you’ve brought me all this way and now your gonna quit, you’ll never quit anyway were just gonna have to keep going” commanded Terrance. “Your right, I’ll never quit” Said Simon slowly walking down the stairs.He walked passed the other flats with Terrance floating not far behind him. They had made it to the back of the front door. “You ready?” asked Simon. Terrance nodded so Simon slowly and carefully opened the door… Only to be greeted by a group of young children and a couple of adults sining jingle bells. One of the adults was holding out a donation bucket. Simon looked at them as they continued to sing, his knees turning to jelly. Simon screamed. The children all suddenly noticed that Simon was just a skeleton and they all screamed back. Simon screamed again, Simon did not like human mortals. They all ran away as fast as the wind, leaving their donation box behind them. The sleigh bells once again resonated in Simona skull as he grabbed the donation bucket it and quickly brought it in and slammed the door shut. Leaving the ice cold winds and the Christmas music behind them. They both hurried up stairs and Simon began to count all the cash in the living room. There were notes, nuggets, silvers and coppers. Terrance stared blankly at the dead television imagining they would be on the news for stealing money. “3,746 pounds” said Simon with a tight grin on his face. “Yes but how can be buy the fags with it?” inquired Terrance. Suddenly there was a blast of wind and the window rattled and few drops of blood splattered onto the window pane. A small bat thudded against the window.”open the window, open the window” said Terrance. Simon reached to open it up and with a puff of smoke harry turned into his human form. Pale skin, pointed teeth, balding hair and a long black coat. “we’ve got some money, will you get us some fags” demanded Simon without even saying hello. “yeah hi guys, I can do a night time shop run, no problem”. The sleigh bells once more resonated in Simon’s skull

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